Dear Human, it’s Your Favourite Pet speaking. I’ve spent some sleepless nights wondering how to break this news to you. I don’t think you’re gonna like it, but here goes: I don’t think we should sleep together anymore. Now, before you get upset, just hear me out. These are the reasons you shouldn’t share your bed with me.
1. I think you’ve got cooties
I’ll just come right out and say it: I don’t want your germs anymore. I love to snuggle and it’s especially nice and warm to sleep close to you in winter, but human germs are… ugh! Similarly, unless you keep up with my regular deworming and stick to the schedule of my tick and flea medication, I might also leave some pests in your bed. Be honest… do we really want that?
2. You keep me up at night
I know I sometimes wake you up when I try to get comfortable, but you roll around a lot more and it disturbs me. Sometimes you even kick me and I think I may just want to bite or scratch you, but it’s just a reflex. I can’t help it. Still, though. We can both make each other cranky if we don’t get enough sleep because of these disruptions. (Maybe I’ll allow a treat or two to win me over again…)
You might feel secure and comforted by me being in your bed – even the scientists say that my mere presence can decrease your stress and lower your blood pressure – but if we keep each other up at night, what’s the point? Maybe I should rather sleep at the foot of the bed than next to you. Can we try a different format for a while?
3. I’ll just call you McSneezy
Not sure if you’ve noticed, but now that the season is turning, I’m shedding a bit more (okay, a lot more) and I also bring pollen and dust straight into your bed… which might be the reason you’re sniffing and sneezing a whole lot more. We can resolve this in one of two ways: either wipe me down with a damp cloth or towel after last wee-wee for the night, or maybe it’s time for my own bed. We can also curb the shedding if you give me a decent daily grooming with a glove or brush.
4. The third wheel doesn’t like it
Your spouse is not enjoying this arrangement. Look, I’m totally your favourite and everything, but if I’m making things difficult for the two of you, then I’d rather not get in the middle of it. I’ll be sad to not snuggle up close to you all night long, but the truth is, you should be happy with each other and if I’m getting in the way of that, then things will just be weird and awkward for all of us. Can you buy me my own bed and blankets and just come cuddle me a bit when you say goodnight? Then you and The Spouse can snuggle up close all night without any me-problems getting in the way.
