So you’re loving on your cat and she’s purring and stretching and being all cute, but you just can’t shake that sneaky feeling that something’s… up. One minute she’ll be slowly blinking at you and has you all convinced that you can receive her wisdom-soaked telepathic messages, then the next minute all she wants to do is make a bloody scratched mess of the unprotected human flesh of your ankles. It’s things like this that you should pay careful attention to because all is not as it seems.
If your cat does any of these, you can bet she’s in on the catspiracy to end human domination and take over the world!
1. Rubbing her head on you
Your cat saunters up to your legs and starts rubbing her head and face on you. Or, even better, she’s doing this while sitting near you or even on your lap. No, this isn’t the equivalent of a ‘kitty hug’. She’s marking you with her pheromones in a display of ownership. If any other animals are near you, they’ll smell her message: “This one’s mine and they’re going down… down like a felled tree.”
2. Lying on the coffee table in the sphinx pose
This is your cat’s way of practising being a kitty overlord. In past lives she’s seen the way the Egyptians worshipped cats, so she’s assuming the sphinx pose to remind you of your standing in the household. She also wants you to know she will now be addressed as Queen Cleocatra.
3. Kneading you
Don’t be fooled by this one. Your kitty’s kneading is not a show of affection or to stimulate nurturing… quite the opposite! She’s carefully and meticulously sizing you up for battle. By pressing her paws on your body, she can sense where your weaknesses are. Your heart may be protected by your ribcage, but your kidneys and jugular are fair game.
4. Slow blinking, also known as ‘kitty kisses’
Even the experts are fooled by this. Your cat is staring at you (probably thinking murderous thoughts) and she suddenly blinks very slowly. You’re intrigued, so you do it back. Just when you think it was all in your head, she blinks slowly at you again! So you blink at her… And she blinks back. You’re convinced you have the greatest, most sensitive connection with your cat ever!
Snap out of it. You’ve just been hypnotised by your cat. She can make you do anything now.
5. Gifting of dead creatures
For decades it’s been believed that your cat’s absurd behaviour of dragging dead birds, lizards, mice and other wildlife into your kitchen has been to either bring your gifts as proof of her worship of you or – the more recent theory – to teach you how to hunt and fend for yourself. Newsflash: it’s neither. What your cat is really doing is telling you the future. Your future.
[Scary horror movie noises.]
6. Chasing the mouse
Your cat’s cutesy-annoying habit of lying on your laptop keyboard or batting at your computer mouse is not a sign that she’s feeling neglected and wants your attention while you’re trying to work. Rather, it’s her attempt at sending clandestine communications to other cats around the world who are doing the same to their slaves… uh… humans.
7. Scratching the couch
Your cat has seven scratch posts, plenty of catnip, millions of kitty toys and everything a domestic cat could ever want, yet she still insists on scratching the side of your couch. Pair this with the way she pushes things off the bookshelf and kitchen counter to their ultimate destruction and you have the unmistakable proof that your cat is trying to wear you down by eliminating the most precious things from your life.
8. Your obsession with cat videos
It’s subtle. It’s subliminal. It’s taken years, but it’s absolute genius.
The mission is almost complete.
Cats have been collectively performing crazy antics for decades to distract their humans and convince them they need to stop what they’re doing to take videos of said crazy antics. It’s disruptive, it suspends productivity and it slowly wears down the capitalist system. While cats may have initiated the original agenda, what they hadn’t bargained on was how humans would create an entire global network on which to distribute these disruptive kitty videos. Nor had they even imagined how obsessed other humans would become with watching these videos, thereby further interfering with human productivity. The game is up. We’ve all been had.
But the cat needs feeding
Lucky for humans, cats came to their senses. Yes, they could totally achieve world domination, but then it would mean they could no longer just lie around all day and watch Catflix – they would actually need to achieve and maintain some order and leadership. Upon thoughtful consideration, since you already bring them their food and clean their toilet twice a day, that’s enough for cats’ domination of the world.